Perhaps
by matthewandmaryfluffalert
Summary: Modern AU: Matthew discovers what he's afraid of, but will he face his fears?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Thank you__** namelesspanda **__for all your help, it is much appreciated. : )_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Downton Abbey.**

Matthew sat, amused, as he observed the seating arrangement. It was Sybil's birthday, and much to Tom's chagrin, she insisted on having her family join them for dinner. He suspected that the reason Sybil had seated him next to Mary was because she desperately wanted them to resolve their situation, despite having been understanding when Matthew had explained why he had broken up with Mary.

_"I'm just…afraid." He had whispered. _

_ "Of Mary?" Sybil questioned._

_ "Of being in love." He admitted, looking down at his hands to avoid eye contact._

_ "How so?"_

_ "Well that's just the thing, "He looked up then, ashamed, "I can't figure it out."_

_ "I don't agree with your decision Matthew." She said, searching for any more possible explanations in his eyes. "But I certainly don't criticize you for making it."_

He still loved Mary; of that much he was certain. He knew, however, that he couldn't, or rather _shouldn't,_say that aloud_._So instead, they spent the majority of the night in an uncomfortable silence, or when they bothered trying conversation, the questions were answered in monosyllables, and that was the end of it. He wondered, multiple times how this evening would be playing out had he not broken up with Mary. He could see other-Matthew and other-Mary so clearly, with their playful banter and constant flirting. He could picture that Mary throwing her head back and laughing, in the way that he loved so much, and rewarding him with a smile. A _real _smile, that reached her eyes and not just her lips. But it was too late for all of that. Because even if Mary still loved him, a prospect he doubted very much anyways, it wouldn't be fair to her for him to act on it, not until he figured out this mess.

Eventually however, the party began to leave.

"I believe it's time for me to go." Violet stood up. After a chorus of goodbyes she remained there, standing. "Well," She said, speaking to Tom, "Aren't you going to drive me home?"

"Granny!" Sybil exclaimed, "Tom's not a chauffeur anymore, you know that."

"It's alright." Tom said, laughing. "I promised her I would drive her home, so we could finish our conversation properly." He leaned down and kissed Sybil's cheek, "Could you pick me up from her house?" Once he received a nod of confirmation from Sybil, Violet took his arm and they made their way out of the restaurant.

Everybody sat, silent for a few moments, unsure of what to make about the scene that had just played out in front of them. The silence was soon broken by everybody's collective laughter.

"What happened?" Sybil asked trying to calm down from her laughing fit.

"It appears as if Granny has made a new friend." Mary said, smiling.

And it was a real smile, too. The first one all night. Matthew smiled then too, not as a result of the scenario - he had already recovered from that - but because of her smile.

Not long afterwards, Robert, Cora, and Edith headed back to their apartment.

Isobel left next, claiming that she had work at the hospital early the next morning, and decided that it was time for her to get some rest.

Then it was just the three of them, Sybil, Matthew, and Mary.

Feeling the tension between Matthew and her sister, Sybil cleared her throat and stood up. "I'd better go. I don't want to keep Tom waiting." She smiled and winked at her sister, before putting on her coat and shuffling out the door.

They found themselves in silence again, both wanting to break it, but not daring to. Having run out of patience, Mary got up to leave, but was stopped by Matthew calling her name. She raised an eyebrow expectantly, "Well?"

"Walk with me?"

She laughed hollowly, "And why should I do that?"

He sighed, "Please Mary?"

And so they walked along the dimly lit pavement, their alternating footsteps and breaths the only sounds on the silent street. They made their way to the park where they met. It was a habit really; they had come here every Sunday morning, simply because they could. Mary would sit with her back against a tree, and Matthew would read out loud to her, with his head in her lap, as she ran her fingers through his hair.

How drastically things can change in one month's time.

Mary suddenly turned around and looked Matthew in the eyes, only a few steps away from him. "Why did you do it?" Her eyes are red, her cheeks wet, and Matthew wondered how long she had been crying.

"I don't know." He whispered.

"Oh come on! I thought you….You have always been honest Matthew. Always, and I fail to see why that should stop you this time. I deserve at least that don't I?"

"I _am_ being honest." He said, slightly louder this time.

"You're not! God Matthew, do you….do you know, what I thought, when we were together? I honestly thought that you'd always be there for me. Clearly I was wrong. And do you know what else I thought? I truly believed that you loved me just as much as you claimed to. I supposed I was wrong about that as well."

"Don't you dare!" He spat. "You know as well as I do that I had loved you from the moment I first saw you."

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have left!" She took a deep breath. "Please, just tell me."

"I was scared."

"_Scared?_ You left because you were scared? Oh come on Matthew, what could you possibly have been afraid of?"

"Love."

"Everybody's afraid of love. I haven't met a person who isn't. But usually it doesn't lead them to ending a relationship. Oh God Matthew, how can you be so disappointing?"

The pain hit him like a knife in the chest, and the realization like a blow to the face.

_Perhaps that is why Matthew Crawley is afraid of being in love. Because it's just as terrifying as it is beautiful, and it clouds your judgment, and he can't decide if being happy is worth the risk of getting hurt. But perhaps it's inevitable. And perhaps trying to keep his distance is hurting him more than love ever could, more than__she__ever could. And perhaps he is running out of reasons why he shouldn't fight for her, running out of reasons why he shouldn't throw caution to the wind. And perhaps now he realizes that getting hurt is part of loving her, because she is a flame. Beautiful and entrancing, but she burns you all the same. And perhaps now he realizes that everything about her, even the danger, is worth it, because, the danger is what makes it thrilling. Perhaps that's why he can't stay away, why, no matter how hard he tries, he just can't let himself believe that this is the end. And perhaps that's why he's here again, his lips just centimeters away from hers..._

_A/N: Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Please let me know what you think. I would like to dedicate this story to____**Cls2011**__, who is a wonderful writer, as well as a wonderful person to talk to. : ) _


	2. Chapter 2

He stared down at her soft, pink lips, and wondered if they had been sculpted by the Gods, as he was certain that lips so perfect were unearthly. He reached out and gently lifted her chin to look in her eyes, and he could see that she was silently begging him to kiss her.

And so he did.

His hands traveled down from her face to rest on her waist, and hers went to his hair. It was a kiss Matthew tried to fill with all the things he had yet to say, "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry" and "I wish I hadn't left." But between the passion and the regret, there was another unspoken message, "If you give me a second chance, I'll make up for the lost time. I promise."

"I love you." He whispered when they pulled apart. "And I think I've figured it out."

"Then tell me." Her response was barley audible as she gasped for air. It was just one of the things she loved about Matthew, his ability to make her forget how to breathe.

"I broke up with you because I was afraid of getting hurt," he started. "but it was futile really, because in trying to distance myself from you, all I did was inflict more pain on myself then you ever could have. And what's worse, I hurt you too, and I am so, so sorry. But with you and me, it's become clear that we're always going to hurt each other. We're both too stubborn to accept when we've done something wrong, but that's okay. Because nothing we ever say or do could hurt more than having been apart from you."

"And I'm supposed to trust you again, that easily?"

"Oh Mary, when is anything between us ever that easy?" he said with a laugh, despite being completely serious. "It might take months, or years, but it could take three days. Either way, when you're ready to give me a second chance, I'll be there. Because there's nobody else that I'll be happy with while you walk the earth, and I think you feel the same way about me."

He kissed her again, and Mary was tempted to pull back and make him plead for forgiveness, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Because she had waited for this moment just as long as he had. She had tried to occupy her every moment so she wouldn't have to think of him, but in vain. He always managed to invade her thoughts and sometimes, even if only for one second, she had allowed it; she let herself believe that everything was okay. And when she did, her heart would seem whole again. But then reality would come crashing down, a constant reminder of how fragile her heart really was, as if it would fall apart if there was so much as a light breeze. So he was right, she couldn't possibly be happy with anyone but him. So no, she wouldn't make him pay for what he'd done. No, she wouldn't take months to decide if she would give him a second chance, because she already knew that she would. And no, she wouldn't worry about him hurting her again because he was right about that too, nothing could hurt more than that month the spent apart.

"Then will you?" he asked.

"You must ask properly."

He sighed and looked at her, but smiled anyways. "Lady Mary Crawley, will you give me a second chance?"

And she would, in good time. But right as she was about to answer, right as her lips brushed the edge of his ear and she opened her mouth to whisper "yes," she remembered just how much she loved teasing him. And she would answer truthfully tomorrow. So she paused and answered the one thing she knew would drive him mad. "Perhaps darling, perhaps."

_A/N: The end! I hope you enjoyed, please let me know what you think! :) _


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